In one case I recall a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife. My heart goes out to the men who call because no services are available to them, other than with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have some doubts about many of them [therapists] as I feel they are back in the dark ages of how they stereotypically view males.

(Excerpt from Philip A. Cook, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Violence, pp. 157-8. Interview with the author, 1994) (Kelso and the Valley Oasis Shelter program in Lancaster CA and "a few other places" are the only programs Mr. Cook found in the U.S. that serve men.)

... a 30ish Seattle therapist who, under physical attack by his lover, was fending off her blows while trying to shield his two young children.

The man finally called 911 to report the attack, then left the house with his kids after striking back once at the woman. He says he was never interviewed by either police or prosecutors, but was later charged and convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman. His conviction is now under appeal, which is why he asked that his name not be published.

"I was dumbfounded from the very start of the incident," the man says. "I was getting struck by this woman while I was holding my daughter and I was the one who called the police."

Web Site Review: I have only the highest praise for ABC News Aug. 4, 1998 Special Feature: Beating Up on Battered Men. It's a well-balanced and well-written report that I highly recommend you read. But what is even more compelling are the Reader Responses. As part of this review, and to entice you to go visit this site, I offer excerpts from some of the stories offered there.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across your article—someone actually acknowledges that there is a problem here! I appreciated the tone and balance of your article, and the only problem I had was with the headline, namely use of the term “battered men.”: That conjures up visions of men in the emergency room with black-and-blue marks on their bodies, when (I suspect) that is rarely the true nature of the problem. Most of us “of a certain age”: were taught a couple of absolutes: “boys do not hit girls”: and “men do not hit women.”: Most men can defend themselves against their female attackers, but the real problem is the violence that has been initiated, not whether the man can defend himself. The answer is not to respond with violence (unless physical action is absolutely necessary for self-protection), but to respond in other ways — namely, seeking outside help.
     Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily include the police. When I was living in Connecticut, my wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline (I was a writer, working at home). Mind you, she is 5’2“ tall and petite in size, so that shows what a person consumed by rage can do. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”:
     Anyway, I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”: He explained that my wife probably would have claimed that I bashed the door to beat her, and the police would have taken her side because of the “Torrington case”: in Connecticut.
     Well, a job brought me to the Washington, D.C., area. The first thing I did was contact a lawyer there, who happened to be female—and the local leader of one of the most prominent feminist organizations. She took this seriously, and told me I wouldn’t face the same attitude from police down here. She taught me to leave a “paper trail”: every time my wife went into a drunken rage. Call the police on 911, and get your side officially recorded by the police and social workers. I did this, and the response by both police and social workers was totally professional and helpful. My wife couldn’t believe that I was actually doing this, and after a couple of visits from the police fled back to New England one day while I was at work—unfortunately, with our daughter.
     I have two main pieces of advice for anyone—male or female—faced with domestic violence:
     (1) Get help. It may be best to start with a family counselor active in domestic violence cases, rather than to start with the police, but get help! When (as in my case) you are white, middle class and living in the suburbs, there is often a surreal aspect to calling the police—we say to ourselves, “This doesn’t happen to people like us.”: When we see scenes on TV, it’s usually poor people and/or minorities. Well, get rid of those stereotypes and realize that, yes, this is a problem that is present EVERYWHERE in our society!
     (2) Do not put up with the violence, as I did, hoping to work things out and telling yourself that you are “doing this for the children.”: The situation can only get WORSE with time—for you, for your abusive partner, and for the children.
     I’m sorry to go on at such length, but the mere existence of your article really released a flood of emotions, 10 years after all this happened in my life. Thank you for daring to report on this subject, and for doing so in such a balanced, positive way.

I am glad to see some attention to the idea that domestic violence goes both ways. Last year, my son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. But he never did anything more to her than push her away and restrain her to defend himself. Nonetheless, neighbors hearing her screams got the impression that he was beating her. We have at least one independent witness to one of their arguments who confirms my son’s story. But I lived in fear that he was going to be arrested as long as they were together.
     She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them.
     Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
     Women do not have the right to use their relative smallness and weakness, and the fact that decent guys are brought up not to hit them under any circumstances, as an excuse to declare open season on the men they live with. No one deserves to be hit or to have their valuables destroyed.

I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
     Attempts at counseling did not work, only separation and eventually divorce finally extracted me from this nightmare.
     I think the macho in males puts them in denial mode that they were attacked or abused. Society naturally assumes that the men will “take care of themselves”: and continues to focus on the problems of battered women. However men are also the victims. Society tolerates violent behavior in females while for men it is not. Take for example, the classic television or movie scene of the angry wife/girlfriend throwing dishes at the hapless male victim. No one gets hurt; it’s supposed to be funny. Is this domestic violence? Would a relative or neighbor who witnessed a real situation like this laugh and shrug it off? I hope not, but they probably wouldn’t consider this domestic violence, either. Is the woman in this scene accountable for unacceptable or violent behavior? Of course not! It’s considered cute and humorous!
     The recent report of violence against women should be taken seriously. However, it would be of interest to know who initiated the violence and what events occurred prior to the victim seeking a remedy. Violence in our society must be dealt with regardless or gender. Sexist attitudes add to the difficulty by creating conflicts between groups that should join to focus on solving the problem.

At any rate, I strongly encourage you to read the for ABC News Aug. 4, 1998 Special Feature: Beating Up on Battered Men and the compelling Reader Responses.

In the summer of 1993 my X came home drunk and on pain pills. I was asleep in "our" bed having returned from a charity event earlier that evening. I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin. She stood above me in the bed and swung the pin down at my head shattering the light fixture above us. I managed to block that blow with a pillow and trapped the rolling pin. Again I twisted the object out of her hands.

She left the room and I got up to get dressed to leave. As I started to get dressed I could hear her screaming as she approached the bedroom door "I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch!" Instinctively I knew that she had retrieved my 357 handgun and I was prepared as she entered the bedroom. No, I didn't hit her with the bat or rolling pin, and in fact, that option did not occur to me until I wrote this. No, I "locked" the cylinder and hammer with both hands so the gun wouldn't discharge... and I twisted it out of her hands. She suffered a minor sprain to her wrist at that point as I was a bit "motivated".

I unloaded the gun, finished dressing and left the house. I called her father from a pay phone in the hopes that he might be better able to deal with her. I did not call the police and I did not call a "shelter". I stayed with family that night. The next day I went home and cleaned up the mess from the broken light fixture. Her response to the event was that she was giving me a "pretty major plea for a hug". I guess I missed it in the translation.

Since we separated she has tried to run me down with her car. I did not report it to the authorities as I was afraid that the judge would further limit my contact with my child.

We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.

I am telling this for my brother. I am a woman and I have to say that I know all too well that abuse happens to men, too. It all began about 9 months ago, but it's been a long 9 months. She only started out being verbally abusive at first, but the things she said were so sick and discusting,every other word was the "F" word. She would accuse him of doing all kinds of sick things with everyone from my mother to the friend of my brothers that she had just met. She would go into wild rages in public places and scream and throw food. It didn't matter where they were or who was there she would go off for no reason.

We (my mother and I) would plead with him to leave her but he felt like he could help her. She had had a troubled childhood,don't really know exactly what, she lies so good and about everything. Four months ago they moved in together. After about a week after the abuse grew into physical attacks. They included scracthing, burning with cigeretts,hitting with anything she could get her hands on, and biting. She would blow up and then be somewhat good for 6-12 days and it would start all over again. I'v seen him with scracthes down both sides of his face,she tried to ripe his ear off once and has burnt him on several occassions.

He never hit her back but would try to hold her of by grabbing wrists when she came after him, these were the only marks he ever left on her. He was bigger than her,he's about 5'11" and she about 5'4",that just goes to show size doesn't matter. Things kept going like this until about a week ago,she got really mad because he stopped by mom's to move a tv for her. She bit him 10 times including twice on his genital area and his nose. As he tried to get out of the door she jumed on his back,as he threw her to the ground the police bust in the door. They throw him to the ground and slapped the cuffs on him. They took her to the hospital even though she had no marks on her. Luckily they arrested her too.

We got my brother out the next morning, she had to spend three days there. The jugde ordered both of them to stay away from each other. My brother is doing that although she's been trying to find him. I moved all of his things out of the apartment while she was still in jail. He quit his job so she couldn't find him there and it was a good thing, she's been there 4 times trying to find him. I just hope and pray that she never does, she won't stop until he's dead. this little gal is going to kill somebody I just hope it's not him.

I would like to say he's been to hell and back but he's still got a long way to go to get back. We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.

These people need help and I suppose the only to change things is to speak out and to speak out often and loudly. Tell every one you can and bring it to the worlds attention, so if this story helps please us it any way you can. Thank you for having this place to speak out.

Exposure to public discussion, pamphlets, posters, movies, and other media promoting awareness of domestic violence is a difficult for me. Invariably I experience a whole range of emotions: sadness, anger, cynicism, desperation. The whole of scenario of domestic violence is biased toward making males the sole source of the problem.

From personal experience I know the reality is quite different. I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.

My mother's anger was intense. She obviously became out of control. The violence was manifested in both mental and physical actions.

I will enumerate several events I can remember.

My mother went on a screaming spell that was of such intensity and duration that it ended only when she had fainted.

Another episode ended when she threw something which ended up breaking a window.

We had a heavy duty set of matching restaurant dishes. In one of her fits of rage, she systematically took stack after stack of these dishes and forcefully flung them to the floor.

My brother was trying to get his studying done for college. Her yelling went on and on without slowing even with his appeal for some quiet. The only thing that stopped it was my brother bringing the police in the front door.

The domestic violence involved mental cruelty also. I can remember no positive statements by her toward or about my father. This usually took the form of criticism or putting him down for the lack of ability of different kinds. She criticised as nothing special the string of Christmas lights he strung up every year on the house trim. She put him down as lacking mechanical/fix-it or monetary talents. And weaved in these comments was a reference to his gender.

In a fit of rage, she picked up a bowl and cracked it against my leg. I required several stitches.

It started with a 911 call made to the St. Paul Police, in 1988, during an argument between my wife (of very short duration) and her 16 year old delinquent, alcoholic, out of control daughter. One of them said something about calling the police, and I said, ``OK, if you want cops, fine, I'll call them, which I did. No violence, nothing except arguing, and, the rest is an all too familiar story to most of you -- I WENT TO JAIL ON A 5TH DEGREE ASSAULT CHARGE, and shortly thereafter, ALSO GOT HIT WITH THE ``ORDER FOR PROTECTION" SCAM!!

Then of course I got divorce papers, numerous court appearances on the criminal assault charge, OFP proceedings, divorce court (two years later finalized), and lost my job, screwed by attorneys and the sick anti-male, anti-dad, ``system". I was labeled as an abuser and a criminal, while the real TRUE facts are that I was abused by my then wife and her daughter, THEN, the worst was yet to come (does this sound familiar to any of you?). Fortunately we had no children together....Thank God for big favors! I wound up serving 30 days for the ``guilty plea" on the assault charge.

I had absolutely refused to plead ``guilty" and demanded a jury trial, so I spent 11 days in jail because I didn't have the $500 bail money (she had all my money!). I was told by my ``public pretender" lawyer, that if I just plead guilty that the judge would kick me out immediately, end of problem. Otherwise, if I continued to insist on a jury trial, I would remain in jail until my trial, and that would be in another three weeks or so! I was also told that I would be sentenced like any other guy for a first time domestic assault charge, one day in jail, and of course being that I had already served ELEVEN days, I would be released that same day, so like a dummy, I did that.

In court that afternoon, the judge was going to release me, asked me if I was going to leave my wife alone, and I replied ``No I love my wife and value our marriage, so I'm going to try and get her to go back to the doctors who had been, or were treating her for her ``change of life problems." At that point, the judge said, ``No Mr. Gilliland, your going to stay away from her and her daughter, and I'm going to sentence you to serve NINETY DAYS in the workhouse, and you WILL serve all 90 days! Bailiff, take him away NOW!" After I wrote the judge a nice fanny kissing letter, I ended up serving 30 days....

George T. Gilliland Sr.,
Executive Director,
Domestic Rights Coalition

To whom it may concern,

I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation.

Then 1 day, while my ex was grabbing and hurting my daughter, I reached out and grabbed her, telling her to stop. Well, there ended up being a red mark on her neck. She called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said.

We met at a singles get together in July, 1995. She seemed very friendly and outgoing and liked a variety of activities. We began dating, and in a few months we were getting pretty serious. In December, 1995, we became engaged. In March, 1996, when we went to get our Marriage License, she informed me that she wasn't 'officially' divorced, and had to file those papers first, then we could apply for the Marriage License. She never mentioned to me that she wasn't divorced or free to marry....I was a bit shocked. We went ahead with the wedding in April, 1996. Right before the wedding started,her friend Susan whispers in my ear that she would kill me if I did anything to her. I thought the comment was a bit inappropriate, but I smiled at the cameras as I walked down the aisle.

Just a few weeks after the wedding is when the big change seemed to appear. I had 10 acres of land that I lived on for 6 years. I was in the process of building a house on it when I met her. And it so happened that I had completed it just in time for us to move into a brand new house. Two months into the marriage, she becomes pregnant. What should have been an extremely joyous celebration for us, was tainted by the fact that she chose to take the EPT (early pregnancy test) at work with her boss and friends instead of with me, and only when I noticed an used EPT, that she told me that the test was positive.

At first, she adored the house and the country setting. But soon, she began complaining of the design......"I sure wouldn't have done it this way". She started complaining of the 50 mile drive to work. She started bad-mouthing the neighbors. Then she started bad-mouthing the land, then the local church, it's members, the music, the smell of the church. Then it was me. After she insulted and degraded everything that I built, my friends, the church.......I guess it was my turn. I was stunned at first, just trying to understand what could be going through this woman's mind. She no longer would do any housework. I would get up at 5am just to do laundry, clean the floors, clean the toilets, sweep the porch, feed the cats, and get breakfast ready for us. I wouldn't go to bed until 12midnight, because she wanted me to do extra things around the house, like change the light fixtures, change the electrical outlet color, paint cabinets. Soon I decided to hire a housekeeper once a week to help out. Now I'm lazy, because I won't do the housework.

In October, 1996, she was about 4 months pregnant, she informed me that she is moving out and getting a divorce unless I sell the house and move to her hometown 60 miles away. All during these months, I was keeping my mouth shut, trying to be the good and understanding husband. She now reveals to me that she works out with police officers, practices regularly at shooting guns. She tells me that she will have me killed or better yet she will shoot me between the eyes herself because she is a sharpshooter. She says that she doesn't believe in wounding a person.....she would shoot to kill. I have no response to this except to say that I don't believe in guns or violence, but I would just try to defend myself the best I can. She says that she would hunt me down wherever I was and "take care" of me.

You may be asking me why did I stay in this relationship of threats. Well, my answer is that I believed in the bonds of matrimony, and since she was pregnant, I would tolerate this as long as possible. Yes, I probably was a bit naive......but I was trying to keep loving this woman. Yes, I was depressed at this time and sought counselling. The conselor was understanding, and said, try to keep your chin up, it won't last forever. So I stayed in the relationship, constantly being bombarded with insults like, "you're worthless, you're a quitter, you're a loser, you're stupid, so fucking stupid". What was I supposed to do? I had already been through a divorce, I didn't want another one. i wanteda family, not a war zone, but what was I to do? I know how men are looked at by society. Men don't dare accuse a woman of threats or violence, or they'll be ostracized by the world.

Well, I sold the house. The very next week, she secretly, while I was asleep, takes the child in the middle of the night and moves 60 miles away, claiming that she was kicked out with only the clothes on her back. The attorney and judge give her everything she wants, and I don't even get to see my daughter. Nearly every single visitation, I was insulted and degraded in front of my daughter. On the day mentioned above, I go to pick up my daughter. The ex yanks her out of my arms, twisting her legs and making her cry. She then kicks me in the groin. I grab hold of my daughter with one arm, and grab my ex with my other hand on her neck. I tell her to stop hurting the child. She kicks me again in the groin, I fall to the ground, my daughter falls, too, and my ex falls on top of me. She kicks me again. Being stupid as I've been told, I get up, help her up to the sofa, pick up my daughter to see if she is ok(she is, thank God). I tell her that I should just go.....sorry that all this happened. 911 is called and arrives within minutes. I tell my story, she tells hers. I get the handcuffs and a ride to jail for 48 hours. Now I can't see my daughter at all. The police don't believe me, the judge doesn't, and I can see in the faces of others that all this is questionned also.

I would like to stay anonomous if possible. This is a terrible injustice.

I have 2 police reports of Communication og Threats, I have a Sprint Carolina Telephone File on 7 harassing telephone calls. I approached the magistrate with this. This woman magistrate told me that there was nothing to do because I waited too long. A days later, I approached another magistrate, a man. He sent me to a shelter for the abused for a Restraining Order and possible criminal charges. The lady at the shelter said that she appreciated all the work it took me to gather all this information, but there was nothing that she could do because between the police reports and the telephone file, it was several months. But she did say that she would keep my name on file for the future.

So now what do i do? Tell my story in hopes that others may see that this really does happen to men...that there truly is gender discrimination. I'm almost at the point of going public, even at the risk of being humiliated by many.

So I ask again.......what do I do?

One man posted:I can't see all this battering business. Are we becoming a nation of wimpy men? If any man will stand up and let a woman abuse him physically or mentally deserves what he gets. If a woman comes at a man cursing and wanting to fight has a right to defend himself. In our schools if a small crisis arises we have to call in the counselors. Half of these counselors can't run their life much less advise our children. Is it any wonder men are being battered? I think if men would stand up and be a man instead of a cry baby it would solve a lot of problems.
His reaction is similar to that of many who hear about battered men.

Hi everyone. I haven't been around in a while, but I took the time today to set up my news reader, and decided to look through things. I saw this message from Doc and thought it might be a good one to reply to.

In my situation, the issue about my own manliness is not a question in my mind, but the problem of what to do when my wife begins to get hysterical is still a genuine problem. I realize that it might be hard to see through all of the catch-22 situations that men are typically put into in a wife-battering-husband situation, but they are very real.

Typically, the episode will start with her being tired, and then verbal abuse starts. Any question even politely stated may tick her off. She may direct her anger toward me, or it might get directed toward our daughter. Now, I have experimented with various ways of handling it and I think I can answer fairly informatively all of the questions of the form: "Why don't you just .... in order to handle the situation ?"

In the end, there is no good answer.

For example, you asked if we are becoming a nation of wimpy men. I think that on a social level, the answer to that might honestly be yes. Of course, the way your question is worded, if I answer merely "yes", then that would seem only to impugn the individual man at the individual level. Really that's not where the blame wholly lies. To understand that, really follow through the courts and media all of the cases where the men have decided "not to be wimpy". Your wife throws a telephone at you, and hits you in the head, what do you do? 1) Call the police ? 2) Throw the phone back at her ? 3) Try to "talk it out" with her ? 4) File for divorce?

Let's just go through the options. I have called the police, and I have thrown the phone back at her. I've tried talking it out with her. I have tried taking the baby and getting away from her until she became calmer. All of these backfired to either a greater or lesser extent. The least of all the evils was #3, try to talk it out with her. The end result of using this method as a policy leads to a tyrannical situation in the marriage where you literally have worse than a slaves life, constantly jumping to her every whim, and if she is really clinically unbalanced, then even total obedience to her will will not satisfy what it is that she really needs from you. She MUST hurt you somehow, and obviously so in order to be satisfied.

Filing for divorce might be a good option, if you have no children, or you can PROVE that your wife is sick, or has a flawed character. I must caution you on what constitutes PROOF, however, since video and audio evidence will in all likelihood get YOU locked up as either a pervert, or a felon, long before it will ever do it's proper work in the divorce proceedings. It will not end up giving you custody of your child so that you can protect your child from her mother.

Calling the police will get you locked up, if your wife is willing to tell the police that you abused her. Whatever you say in that case will not matter. If she does not say this, then it will depend on her admitting to the police that SHE abused YOU. If she admits to it, then they MIGHT take her into custody, or they MIGHT not, depending on other particulars. If she denies everything, or will not talk, it does not matter what you say, the police will never take her into custody on any statement that you, as a man, allege. Or at least that's how it worked in September of 1996 in a suburb of Atlanta, anyway. I think you will find this to be typical of all police department policies. In either case, your child will be AT LEAST as unprotected as she ever was.

If you throw the phone back at her, or man handle her in anyway, will she call the police ? Oh, you might be able to disconnect the phone, but who are you kidding, she WILL get to a phone sometime. You WON'T keep her kidnapped forever. And if she is clinically ill, it is doubtful that under such circumstances that she will ever calm down. It is also doubtful that your in-laws will be of any help to you whatsoever, even if they are generally normal people. In-laws tend to harbor suspicions about your ultimate intentions. It is doubtful that they would take the position that you are trying to "help" your wife.

Hence, you are back to the default answer. Try to ride out the hysteria. Take the bumps and brusies, the cuts and the scraps that she dishes out, and do not return them. If she responds to logic, then use it, otherwise, merely be silent. It is your child that you are doing this for, not yourself. When your child grows up, it is likely that you will then be able to get a divorce, and be treated fairly by the courts.

THAT is about the only solution that I see. If you choose to call a man who commits himself to such a life a WIMP, then so be it. But I am no wimp. I have more stamina than 99% of all other men could have in this situation. I can endure for the next 11 years, just as I have the past 5. As far as I am concerned, this is the most manly choice that I or anyone could have possibly made, and the most intelligent one besides.

I have certainly considered divorce. But, unfortunately, after 11 years of having been married to her, though there is nothing I would selfishly like better than to get a divorce, I can predict her reaction to that fairly accurately. She was raised to believe, that once the marriage contract was signed, that I somehow took delivery of some kind of "goods", and just payment for those goods is that I owe her everything. By this, I mean that she thinks that if life ever hands her a dirty deal, that I must somehow, find the power within myself to change the world, and to right the wrong done to her. Obviously, I cannot do this. All I can offer is my psychological support to her, and apparently, that is not good enough. In her eyes, I am less than a man.

She also has other expectations that I fall short of, but I'd rather not go into all that right now. I have expectations too, but after the second year of marriage I began to realize that she must be sick, and that I was going to have to put these expectations on the shelf indefinitely. After the fifth year, we became totally physically separated in the same house, because after having been thrown out of the bedroom under threats a few times (several) I could not find within myself the power to keep crawling back. So now, for the past 5 years, I have lived on a cot in the basement.

We still have a kind of family time together, and I stay just out of sight, but within earshot so that when I hear her begin to lose control, and do what I'll call "borderline abuse", then I involve myself as a kind of "bullet shield". I have gotten fairly good at redirecting her hatred away from Laura, and onto myself. Once I have accomplished this, the pattern is fairly set now. I am the big brute, and the "abuser" or the "wife-beater" (no I do not beat her). Something protective in her nature kicks in, and she feels that suddenly she must protect Laura. Once that happens, I ease myself out of the picture. Some time I have to take physical abuse, like getting kicked in the back, or having my electronic equipment over turned and destroyed. Sometimes things get a little terrifying, such as the time she broke my bedroom door off it's frame so that she could accuse me of "not loving her".

But, as I judge the situation, it is still better than the result of a divorce for my daughter Laura. If my wife were a mature adult, a maturely done divorce might be a workable solution. However, I can see from when that question has arisen that she will call Laura into the room against my protests, and insist upon asking her all manner of adult questions.

Every day, every week, Laura matures, and the situation for her gets better. At this point Laura desperately needs her mother. Of course, she needs her mother to act like an adult mother should act, and she needs her mother's approval. I would judge that it would be a little worse to disturb the current relationship, unless I had some assurance that she would not withdraw all of her affections from Laura entirely as a punitive measure against me; something she has done in the past.

Whether this becomes slow suicide for me or not remains to be seen. Currently I have my honor which sustains me. It would be nice, toward the end of my life to also retain the respect of my daughter, but that, in itself is not a requirement of mine. It will be sufficient that I stayed and was a good father to her. Or, at least as good a father as I can be.

I've read many articles on your most excellent web site - in fact I have linked to many of them from my Web Site 'Abuse Hurts Everyone' at:
      http://www.stirling.u-net.com/abuse.htm

I know your web site is for men, but I cannot begin to tell you how much good you are doing for women (or possibly girls too) like myself who have nowhere to go - Like the men on your Web site, I know women abuse - our mother abused me and my three sisters but like men also, no one believed us. I'm 48 now, but it angers me so much that for your friends and folk like me - nothing has changed.

You just can't know how empowering it is to find there are people in the world who 'know' we'd not been lying - I don't know why it should be, but I find it makes me still cry with relief just to know someone knows that we'd not been 'bad girls for telling such nasty stories about your own mother' you know what I mean?

I just feel that everyone who can deny women are violent, controling, cruel, malicious, and capable of carrying out such soul-destroying inhumane acts against others, yet say they are 'working to end abuse' are morally bankrupt.

I just wondered if it would be of any benefit to you if I wrote an article or some of my experience of abuse at the hands of a woman for your Site.
        [Yes! - Ed.]

What makes me so angry are all those information sites listing 'a batterer's profile' - everything listed to 'describe' a violent man fits my mother also. She killed and abused our pets - and took great pleasure in destroying our things. Even sometimes giving them away in our presense saying something like "Well, take these records for your daughter, Susan doesn't play them anymore do you Susan" Of course, one then had to smile and say, "No Mum." but not mention you'd saved up for months for every one because you never got any spends - nor did you have a record player - but you bought them because the words meant so much to you and you knew you could sneak them out the house and play them at your friend's house. There honestly isn't one section on any of those profile things that either myself or my sisters didn't suffer through.

I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for people like you, and Senator Anne Cools of Canada, I would never have started speaking out. I guess, although my past has been long behind me - I'd still so desperately needed to be believed. That knowledge shocked me so much and I know I cannot keep silent so no one else will have to suffer their secrets alone.

I've found, to my cost, that women survivor places don't like folk like me - I've been wiped off message boards inviting women to 'share and care' because my abuser was a woman. I feel that it's immoral - to say 'we're here to help women' but - it seems - only women we feel won't upset our totally stupid and lying version of the world. I'm dangerous I guess, because I know that women can be and are abusers.

Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time, even if I can't help you in any way, I'm so glad of the opportunity to thank you very sincerely for helping me to feel okay about myself.