| Control and abuse (destructive) |
Equality (constructive) |
Using coercion and threats
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
- threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
- threatening to call 911, say he was the abuser
- threatening to file false domestic violence, restraining order or child sexual abuse charges
- making him drop charges
- making him do illegal things
- Denying or refusing to access to needed medical care or medications
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Negotiation and fairness
- seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
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Using intimidation
- making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying his property
- threatening to falsely accuse him of DV; daring him to phone 911
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
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Non-threatening behaviour
- talking and acting so that he feels safe and comfortable expressing himself and doing things
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Using economic abuse
- refusing to contribute income to basic expenses
- making him ask for money
- giving him an allowance
- taking his money
- not letting him know about or have access to family income
- Forcing him to take higher-paying, more hazardous, less satisfying job
- preventing him from getting or keeping a job
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Economic partnership
- making money decisions together
- making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements
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Using emotional abuse
- putting him down
- making him feel bad about himself
- using sex as a weapon; withholdikng sex excapt as a "reward"
- calling him names
- making him think he's crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating him
- making him feel guilty
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Respect
- listening to him non-judgmentally
- being emotionally affirming and understanding
- sharing responsibility for mutually-satisfying intimacy
- valuing opinions
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Using gender privilege
- treating him like a servant
- treating him as just a wallet
- making all the big decisions
- acting like the 'mistress of the house'
- being the one to define male and female roles
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Shared responsibility
- mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work
- making family decisions together
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Using isolation
- controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads, where he goes
- limiting his outside involvement
- using jealousy to justify actions
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Trust and support
- supporting his goals in life
- respecting his right to his own feelings, friends, activities and opinions
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Using children
- making him feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- alienating children from him
- using visitation to harass him
- threatening to take the children away
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Responsible parenting
- sharing parental responsibilities
- being a positive non-violent role model for the children
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Minimising, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it seriously
- saying the abuse didn't happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
- saying he deserved it
- saying he caused it
- saying it was the only way he would pay attention
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Honesty and accountability
- accepting responsibility for self
- acknowledging past use of violence
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
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- It's about blaming and shaming men, more than giving them the insights and support to help them stop their abusive behavior.
- It's based on ideology, not science.
- It ignores drinking, drugs, Borderline Personality Disorder and other serious psychological problems.
- It says there is only one cause for domestic violence, and only one solution.
- There's no real evidence it works.
- It ignores domestic violence by women.
- Women who need help can't get it.
- It's taught by "wounded healers."
- It's a gender-polarizing approach that only serves to perpetrate the "battle of the sexes."
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- It assumes that violence is, in essence, 'male'.
- There is an implicit refusal - and in practice generally an
explicit refusal - to acknowledge any violence done to
men, especially by women.
- All responsibility for reducing violence and for creating
co-operation is assigned to men - which in effect denies women
any power to change their own circumstances, and consequently
keeps them trapped in a subordinate 'victim' role.
- The methodology is intended to create responsible attitudes
by challenging existing behaviour: yet programmes are often presented
to men by women in a blaming, punitive environment, which is immediately
counter-productive.
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