Domestic violence is a confusing and disturbing phenomena, but it is not gender specific as many would have us believe. In what has been called a "dance of mutual destructiveness"(1), mainstream research indicates that men and women abuse each other with almost equal frequency. The same study which found that a woman is abused by her spouse every 15 seconds, also found that a man is abused by his spouse every 14 seconds.(2)

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month but we cannot hope to end domestic violence until we understand the cycle of violence. Children who see their fathers or mothers abused are more likely to become abusers as adults; children who are abused by a parent are at greater risk of becoming abusers as adults; and more children are abused by their mothers than by their fathers.

• Wives or girlfriends assault 2 million men every year (1.8 million women are assaulted by their spouses or boyfriends).
• 54% of all domestic violence termed 'severe' is committed by women against their husbands or boyfriends.(3)
• Over 2/3 of the child abuse committed by a parent is committed by the mother.(4)
• Mothers (55%) are more likely the fathers (45%) to murder their children.(5)
• Mothers kill sons (64%) more often than daughters (36%) and 78% of the child victims are under age 11.(6)
• · One study of inner city child abuse found that 49% of all child abuse is committed by single parent mothers.(7)

If a man asked for help, who would listen?

Since society does not define abuse of men by women as a problem, official police data reflects a much more frequent response to abuse of women by men than of men by women. Therefore, it is not surprising to find over 90% of the calls to police or to hotlines coming from women, not men.(8) But, if a man called, who would listen?

The solution is simple -- we must learn to be effective parents and spouses without resorting to violence to resolve disputes with our loved ones.

Most importantly, we as a society must begin to acknowledge that women are no less than equal partners in the cycle of violence. Until we develop programs to treat violent women, we not never hope to end the vicious cycle of domestic violence, nor can we hope to end the terrible tragedy of child abuse.