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Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence

Help for Battered Men

Are You Abused?

Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Know a man who may be battered? Print out this page and give it to him. Often, it'll be enough to get him to talk to you about it -- if not right away, perhaps in a bit. And talking to another man about it is the first step in healing -- in survival.
Remember: TV star and comedian Phil Hartman never talked about his marital problems, either, except to joke about having to leave the house when his wife was mad. He told everyone the marriage was wonderful -- as so many men do.

Find out more about battered men

 

Are you battered or abused? Ask yourself these questions:

Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life all cultures, all income groups, all ages, all religions. [MenWeb: They also come in both sexes.] They share feelings of helplessness, isolation, guilt, fear, and shame.

All hope it won't happen again, but often it does.

ARE YOU ABUSED? DOES THE PERSON YOU LOVE...

    "Track" all of your time?
    Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
    Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
    Prevent you from working or attending school?
    Criticize you for little things?
    Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
    Control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend?
    Humiliate you in front of others?
    Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
    Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
    Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
    Threaten to hurt you or the children?
    Force you to have sex against your will?
If you find yourself saying yes, it's time to get help.

Developed by the National Crime Prevention Council in Partnership with MOTOROLA®.

Anger and conflict is common in a relationship. What's important is how we handle it. Has it gone too far? Is there an anger problem you need help with? Here are some "anger indicators," from the Web site of Jerry Medol's highly-successful, male-positive Kansas City Alternatives to Anger program. Are any of these true for your relationship? If so, get help!

1. If anybody is being touched or controlled or dominated, if any abuse is being forced against the will of another, there is abuse going on ...it is likely to be violent ... it is an anger problem.

2. If you feel attacked or criticized or shamed, or if you find yourself on the defensive a lot ...you have an anger problem.

3. If you find yourself not able to listen or if you find yourself shaming another person ...you have an anger problem.

4. If either or both of you are raging about what is going on ... you both have an anger problem.

5. If either of you feels that you are pushed to the point that you must "take control", verbally or physically ... that is an anger problem.

6. If you are in a relationship with somebody who has an anger problem ... you also have an anger problem.

Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

A man who had to deal with abuse issues in his own life (and who has started a message board for abused men) looked into the issue of how a man can know if his relationship is abusive. He found two books that focus on women in abusive relationships, but none for men. He has extracted and edited sections from these books, to make them relevant for men. Click here to see what he came up with.

Ultra-Sensitive Men and Abusive Relationships

Not just for ultra-sensitive men. Ultra-sensitive men don't have different reactions to an abusive relationship, often, they have more intense reactions. They're magnified, and we can see them more clearly. If you recognize any of the patterns you see in this article, whether or not you're ultra-sensitive, it's time to look at whether your relationship is abusive. Some clues:

  • Do you dread "talks" with her?
  • Does your pulse rise and your mind become foggy at the mere thought of a disagreement or conflict with her?
  • Will you do anything to avoid the conflict and keep the peace?
  • Do you have inexplicable aches and pains, or tenseness?
  • Are these worse when you're around her?
  • Do you have panic attacks at the mere thought of conflict, or mere thought of being with her?
  • Do you find yourself looking for a lot more "alone time"?
  • Does being alone seem a lot more calming and appealing than spending time with her?
Click here to find out more.

Click here to read why men don't do anything about it

Click here to continue

Click here for books on battered men.

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Click here to return to MenWeb's Battered Men page

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S.A.F.E. logo

S.A.F.E. (http://www.safe4all.org) concentrates on domestic violence against straight men, gay men, and lesbian women, because few services exist for these groups. Personal stories, a comprehensive listing of Web resources and books, info on local shelters and groups that help battered men or offer services for abusive women, suggestions on how you can make a difference in the lives of people affected by abuse. E-mail list and Bulletin Board.

Links to other info on the Web
Including media coverage of the topic
ABC News Special ReportMetro: Silicon Valley WeeklyNovaNewsNetUK Channel 4 logoMother Jones November/December 1994 cover

 
     

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